Rina's entertainment notebook.

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#11

"one of those hideous books
where the mother dies"

My heart flung itself up into my throat,
and for a minute there,
i couldn't even breathe.
I didn't know how much
i depended on
being depended on.

It was as if he was trying to show me
how he felt about me with those kisses of his.

I love books.
But blank books scare me.
It's like all those empty white pages
are just lying there
waiting to pounce
on my deepest innermost feelings
and exposethem to the entire world.

If this was a movie..
it would be perfectly clear
to any idiot in the audience
that in spite of everything
we were somehow going to manage
to live happily ever after.
..but this isn't a movie.

I suddenly realized that even if
Brad Pitt himself asked me out,
I'd say no.
He's the only one I want.

Now I hate the rain.
I hate it reminding me
of that night last summer
when the rain
licked at my lahes
while your lips covered mine.
I used to love the rain.
You used to love me.

And when I think about what happened,
my heart slows,
then stops beating altogether,
and sits in my chest
like a clenched fist.

blame it on the weather, but i'm a mess. and this
february darkness has me hating everyone and i
know i need your comfort, but this drama makes
me sick. and the longer i lay here, i know it's harder
to get up without you.

it's not about the sky, or the clouds that walk all
over me. they don't give up too easily these days.
but when they break they go to pieces. for a pond
of blood here in north set barns. under a sky that
know no stars. you'll never shine again,
but you will stay.



i don't mind the lack of colors that rests around her
careless features. but i loathe the love we had when
love was something easier. lovely, are you lost in
carouseling thoughts? tired of never knowing where
to stand? you're always casting to the floor
everything that you adore and turning west again.













my eyes are sensitive to sight. and my skin burns
under the light. i shut my eyes and sound the end
of what i thought was my best bet. and all that's
left is left unsaid. but i never really cared.

so one last touch and then you'll go, and
we'll pretend that it meant something so
much more. but it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean
a thing to me.





i was forever staring at the tender blue veins
along the inside of my wrists, fragile twigs
trapped under ice.



i hate slick and pretty things. i prefer mistakes and
accidents. which is why i like things like cuts and
bruises- they're like little flowers.





you were just a boy on a bed in a room, like a
kaleidoscope is a tube full of broken bits of glass.
but the way i saw you was pieces refracting the light,
shifting into an infinite universe of flowers and
rainbows and insects and planets. magical dividing
cells, pictures no one else knew.

we held hands on the last night on earth. our
mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields
and under the trees, screaming like dogs,
bleeding dark into the leaves. it was empty on
the edge of the town, but we knew everything
floated along the bottom of the river. so we
walked through the waste where the road curved
into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and
the bitter smell of burning was on you like a
disease. in our cancer of passion, you said,
"death is a midnight runner"



all his life, he lived in the same house: same white
fences surrounding him. he swore he would get out.
but he can't cause his foot got caught in between
the rails. and all his friends were up ahead, they
can't hear him yelling.

all these questions leave her shaking. can you be
two girls in one? can your heart bend this much
without breaking? you know that you know and
you can never have it both ways.



i used to think if i could realize i'd die, then i would
be a lot nicer. used to believe in a lot more; now
i just see straight ahead.

it's strange to think the songs we used to sing,
the smiles the flowers, everything... is gone.
yesterday i found out about you, even now just
looking at you feels wrong. you say that you'd
take it all back, given any chance. it was a
moment of weakness and you said yes.

one.
this is gone and i can see it.
your head is full of words, full of words that don't mean anything.
and how long could you hang on to a word?
tell me how long could you hang on to a word?

two.
i want to know whats going on in that pretty little head of yours,
where everyday is a bone palace ballet.

maybe you're the one thats overrated.
strike and scream, much too horrified to speak.

three.
my eyes are blistered with the guilt of our past,
the memories that we would have.
now that you've turned the world against me,
i'm only trying to win them back.

four.
we went on drinking, celebrating something.
i looked at you and said that i'm forever yours.
you looked at me and said, 'oh the idea of being in love'
the idea, the idea of being forever yours.

we make the sun shine, we make come on
move with me. move with me.
don't you think i could tell that you were trying to, trying to
make a fool out of me, a fool out of me.

eight.
you gave it to me through the eyes, hatred.
centuries deep and true.
i was wrong, graceless, and sick.
all of the things that i had learned had been wasted.

nine.
if i could just do these things, if i could maybe do these things,
each and every day wouldn't pass the way that they so often do,
that they so often do.
maybe just maybe life would be everything we wanted it to be.

"if i cut my hair, hawaii will sink"

"this is it, this is it" by as cities burn

if only i had the strength, you'd be completely accepting something else.
if you keep asking me, i'll melt away in the summer air.
it won't hurt half as much and i'll beg for you to stop it now.

seven.
and as i cast my eyes to the sky i felt your touch,
so gentle and so soothing that i knew i had been saved.
but my movements were so labored, and my will had been betrayed.
but my lips they were collop now, and to them I am enslaved.

"write it out" by dashboard confessional

eight.
i saw you last night.
i'm missing you the most when i look into your eyes.
i can’t stop pretending that im okay.
i'm wishing you were sitting home thinking about me.
and i cant take much more of this, cause im falling apart without you.

"redefenition of a love song" by death in december

nine.
and with the truth i feel inside, could you believe me
that i could wait here all my life for you to find me?
faces pass me by, and these pictures never lie to me.

"one for the road" by funeral for a friend

one.
i had to change the combination to the safe,
hide it all behind a wall, let people wait.
and never trust a heart that is so bent it can’t break.




"sleepless nights" by faber drive

four.
so one last touch and then you'll go,
and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
but it was vile, and it was cheap.
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.

"tiny vessels" by death cab for cutie

five.
think deep, take myself to another scene, anywhere else but this empty room,
where every breath feels like my last.
and i'll never move on, and it feels so strange living every night like this.

"midnight" by rock kills kid

six.
cause baby i'm not all right when you go.
i'm not fine, please be all mine.
i never want you to go because i am all yours, so please be all mine.

"earthquake" by the used

seven.
when i woke up i couldnt know, by one o clock i'd be alone.
in a few years i'm sure i'll find it funny, in all honesty, i never saw it coming.
it's that time again, where we can just be friends.
i'll miss the way you kiss, the feel of your fingertips tonight.

"never saw it coming" by early next year

eight.
if i could freeze our small amount of time together,
then we could make believe this world would never end.
unfortunately truth is coldm so you stay young while i get old.
but always know, i'm your best friend.

"for fiona" by no use for a name

nine.
i will be home in a while, you don't have to say a word.
i can't wait to see you smile, wouldn't miss it for the world.

"walking disaster" by sum 41

i think of how we used to be, the two of us, you and me.
where did it all go wrong?
where ever you are, its alright. come stay with me tonight.

and i am falling fast, i'm falling fast for you.
so tell me what can i do to make you stay?
so long sweet summer, and welcome to the winter.
cause better days were our friends, and we were happier that way.




eleven.
there are some things you can't fake.
i guess that it's typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again,
And to sort through old photographs
of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know.

"happy birthday to me" by bright eyes

and so i fall, i don't wanna feel this small.
you know i just can't handle this, handle this at all.
and so i fall, i let my heartbeat drop, i falter as the music stops,
and you watch me as stall.

"fall" by something corporate

i'd spend a million nights just like tonight, you know.
i screamed your name at the sky until i lost my voice.
well, i would give my life for you.

"stay tonight" by matchbook romance