Wednesday, November 21, 2007

curled up

& we were only supposed to have some fun. iIwasn't supposed to fall in love. But that was your plan all along. Make her fall & then let her hit the ground. Leave before she could admit what you had done.

Just once in my life I want someone else ot kiss first. I want someone else to lie awake & wonder what the right words are, if they'll be rejected, if they're ruining a great friendship. I want him to want me so much that he can't help himself, that he's willing to risk everything for a chance to be with me.

Now the sky is turning blue, the stars disappear one by one as the daylight is nearer. And yes, you're in my head, but that doesn't make you here. And I've lost all my friends, but you're the one I miss the most.

Energy has been spent trying to believe you're not worth it, you don't deserve it. But I wish you did, because I can't live without this. And I'll remember you as the second or two people I knew who decided to screw me over, because it's the bolder thing to do.

I've been running around for the past year trying to find some clarity & all of a sudden, it's so clear, it's ridiculous. I just want to be with you.

And everytime you feel like crying, I'm going to try & make you laugh. & if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass. And I will keep you company through those days so long & black.

Since it's all I have, I want to go to sleep & dream of you & me, just off the coast, on a holiday so long & warm & lucky. I always wake up in my bedroom all alone.

Nights when the heat had gone out, we danced together alone. Cold turned our breath into clouds. WE never said what we were dreaming of, but you turned me into somebody loved.

You're desperate in finding something else to please you. You've been searching your whole life for something to mute, change, or just distract you. Something to put inside of you to give you the illusion of life, cause you've always been barely alive.

And now everytime someone ruffles your hair or asks you to dance, everytime the full moon is out & everytime the sun paints the sky, he'll be all that's on your mind.

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you can put your stuff, the idea of home is gone.

Sometimes you have something you need to say, but you can't, because the words won't come out, or you get scared & feel stupid. So if you could write a song & sing it then you could say what you need to say & it would be beautiful, & people would listen, & you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself. But all of us can't be songwriters, so some of us will never be able to say what we're thinking or what we want other people to know we're thinking, So we'll never be able to get the chance to make things right again.

There are no bad words for the coast today. You never know why you felt so good in the strangest of places, like in waiting rooms & long lines that made you late & mall parking lots on holidays.

The light collects & projects your heart onto a movie screen. And if you close your eyes, we're always going to be that way, the way we were that night.

It's Friday night, everyone's asleep. And now we're walking home. Our shadows grow underneath the streetlights till they're overgrown. A perfect end to a perfect night.

if you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't. embrace the encertainity. allow it to lead you places. be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart & your mind, as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; cause you'll never get another one quite like it. & if you should ever look up & find yourself lost, simply take a breath & start over. retrace your steps & go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. you'll find your way again.

to let go isn't to forget, not think about or ignore. it doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. letting go is winning. it isn't losing. it's not about pride, its not obsessing or dwelling on the past. it isn't about loss & its not defeat. to let go is to cherish memories but to overcome them & move on. letting go is accepting. letting go is having the courage to accept change, the strength to keep moving. letting go is growing up.

life isn't all its cut out to be. it has its up & downs but you have to embrace those ups & downs & learn from them. you cant just sit back & mope & make people have pity for you. you have to put those things that are hurting you aside & live. you only get one life & that one life isn't that long. you have to do everything that comes your way. yeah, you might get embarassed, but in a month, no one will remember. you have to do what you feel is right. you cant worry about other people. just live life how you want to live it. don't follow examples, make them. let people follow in your footsteps. sometimes you just have to dance around & look like a fool. other times, you just have to sing as loud as you can in your underwear & most of all, you need to laugh. never go a day without laughing, or at least smiling. it doesn't matter if you've had the worst day, if you just laugh, everything will be okay. for the most part, just be you. don't listen to others. they're going to make fun of you, they're going to tell you that you're stupid. but that's their opinion. it only becomes true when you start to believe it.

laying there with your arms around me, i felt so comfortable & safe. my heart was beating a mile a minute having you so close to me. as you played with my hair & kissed me, i couldn't help but smile straight from my heart. i could see how much you cared from the look in your eyes. it made me never want to let you go. to just stay wrapped in your arms forever, where nothing else matters but me & you.

i guess i could regret it all & feel bad for myself, but as the saying goes, "never regret anything you have done with a sincere affection. nothing is lost that is born of the heart." it might not have ended the way i had imagined or hoped, but nothing really ever does. so i won't stay mad or bitter or sad. just disappointed. cause when you think you've found it, you don't want to lose it. but sometimes, its just out of your hands. they say things happen for a reason. i guess it just takes some time to figure out what that reason is. im hopeful that ill figure it out & in the meantime, ill be picking up the pieces.

& he said, "you're cynical & beautiful. you always make a scene. you're monchrome delirious. you're nothing that you seem. im drowning in your vanity. your laugh is a disease. you're dirty & you're sweet. you know you're everything to me. & i want to tear down your defenses til there's nothing there but me. you're beautiful when you're angry. your love is such a tease. im drowning in your dizzy noise. i wanna feel you scream."

now it's two o'clock. the club closed, we're up the blcok, your handfs on me, pressing hard against your jeans. your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out. you didnt care to know who else may have been there before.

im a mess of insecurities, attention starved with a narcissitic twist, don't you think that im amazing, please tell me im worth dating, i have every reason not to leave home today.

when is the age or even the moment when you go from being kids to being something else? people say that we're growing up too fast today. sometimes, adults make it sound like its our fault or at least our choice, but how can we not? we feel invincible. we know so much. one thing i don't know is that we're so eager to lose our innocence & iwonder one day, we'll look back & wish we hadn't.

did you know what really made me fall for you? it wasnt the way you smiled at me when i walked in the room. nor was it the way you laughed at my jokes when they weren't funny. it wasn't the way you'd go out of your way to collect me from places when i felt low. nor was it the way you'd sit & hold me in your arms & tell me everything'll be okay. no. what really made me fall for you was the way you'd sit there for hours on end, listening to my problems, purely just so you could be with me. well, i just wanna tell you that the next time you walk in the room, ill smile. the next time you crack a joke that isn't funny, ill laugh. the next time you're feeling low, ill come out of way to pick you up. the next time you need reassurance, ill hold you in my arms & tell you everything's okay.

you might not be his first, last or his only. he's cared about someone else before & possibly will again. but if he cares for you now, then what else matters? he's not perfect, & you aren't either & the two of you will never perfect. but if he can make you laugh at least once, hold onto him & give him the most you can. he's probably not going to quote poetry. he might not be thinking about you every second of the day. but he will give you a part of him he knows you can break - so don't hurt him, don't change him & don't expect more than he can give. don't overanalyze. smile when he makes you happy. yell when he makes you mad & miss him when he's not there.

i think i noticed when things started to change. the hugs were quicker, the phone calls were shorter & weren't every night. we didn't hurry to the place we'd said we'd meet. the 'i love you's,' felt more like a forced, daily routine & really had no meaning. when we saw each other, the smiles weren't as bright or as big. our thoughts weren't only of each other. we seemed uninterested. we felt unloved. we had too many doubts. i thikn i noticed when things started to change.

Friday, November 16, 2007

We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no world outside
And we could pretend that all the time



We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
Were living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious



I read you and God I'm good at it I'm so spot on
Chord shapes in air go press that dissonance if you dare



I feel home when I see the faces that remember my own
Cause home, to me, is reality and all I need is something real


Be my Romeo
Please be my voice in this world
I can't sing the songs that you sing
I can't find the gorgeous words



In our bed, in your place
Lay a note
It read:
Baby your love
it just ain't good enough
I found sunlight six hours away
You watered me down 'til I drifted abound
Somewhere far from your shade

No thank you no thank you no thank you no thank you
I don't have to pay for this shit
I couldn't afford chemo like I couldn't afford a limo
and on any given day I'd rather ride a limousine

And besides this shit is making me tired
it's making me tired
You know I plan to retire some day,
and I'm-a gonna go out in style

Sophie only wants to listen to radio BBC
Michael sat on my knees and whispered to me
All about the meanies
Jacqueline was being such a big girl
with her cup of tea looking out of the window
And Barbara
She looks just like my mom
Oh my god, Barbara
She looks so much like my mom

A wise man once told me he said,
"When music is the one thing that surrounds you.
You feel no pain."



No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.



I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.



I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned

change this year 100% made by clogged_artery



you act like we never had anything.
which is insane, because we had everything.
I don't know how you can ignore the world.

Take me to a hotel room
And tie me to the bed of my mistakes
Kiss me like I paid for this
Please don't stop till you've raped all my faith

sit down, please make yourself comfortable.
i might need some time to dance around what
i need to say, i love you to death, i think
i need a break.

don't forget to kill yourself.
it's the most important part
in this romeo and juliet romance.

'm going to spend my nights either sleepless, or dreaming of you.
who wants a life of lost adolescence,
filled with regrets and antidepressants?
i have said it before, and you know that i meant it.
you're all i ever want to know, and i'm not going to let that go.

i saw you yesterday. we shared a smile
and went our separate ways. all those
nights we shared were just us killing time

please don't be upset at this portrait
that i paint. it may be a little biased,
but at least i spelled your name right.

catch me as i'm falling.
you're all i really need now.

Now the sky is turning blue, the stars disappear one by one as the daylight is nearer.
And yes, you're in my head, but that doesn't make you here.

I waited for a bus to separate the both of us
and take me off far away from you.
cause my feelings never change a bit,
I always feel like shit.

it was time to go home,
to go home without each other.
i said i love you, he said the same.
i said call me when you miss me,
he smiled and kissed me.
i walked towards my car,
and my phone rang.

"I know a girl from a lonely street cold as ice cream, but still as sweet."


The miles of air & road & land that seperate me from all my plans. We're having fun, but something tells me I miss someone.

"We sat in the night with my hands cuffed at my side. I looked at your life & your style. I wanted nothing more."

& She kissed as if she alone could forget the signature of the sun.

"The tide is high, but I'm holding on. I'm gonna be your number one."

He said "You make my organs slosh around loose." & I blushed, flattered when I should have been calling nine-one-one.

"I think all the time how I'm going to perpetrate love with you."

So innocent & still. You lay against your truck's windows. Replaying whta looks to me as karma taking it's last blow.

"All I want is 20/20 vision. A total portrait with no omissions. All I want is a vision of you."

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder... but it sure makes the rest of me feel colder.

"In between, what I find is pleasing & I'm feeling fine, love is so confusing there's no peace of mind. If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good. You're teasing like you do."

here comes the sadness that i miss so much. that lonely aching comes from every touch. i've grown accustomed to the grays & blacks, because they're always coming back. sit down for supper, you won't dine with me or can't you handle seeing all i see. i've grown colorblind to cease my bitching & i've grown to love the pain. & i move to slow & i think too fast & the first rainbow i see will be teh last. here comes a boring song with thoughtless rhyme. i know you're sick of me so tell me here because you could have been the one to make it all disappear.

"one way or another, i wanna get ya, i'll get ya, i'll get ya get ya get ya get ya."

i wish that i could chill with you tonight. stop the wrories that keep forming in my head. i've got ants in my pants unelss it's you in them instead.

"You wander through my sleeping mind. Reading thoughts I've left behind."

I can't live without you. Let's disco the night away.

"Nothing is real but hte girl. Nothing is real but her."

I may be confused about a lot of things, but I know that hte only time I'm truly happy is when I'm thinking of You.

"If you'll forgive my ferocity, I won't forget your sweetness."

It's when you shed tears. Yet you still care. It's when you're ignored but yet you still long. It's when he begins to love another yet you still smile & say "I'm happy for you."

I'm a multicellular individual. You're way out of proportion!"

I only wish that I could hate you.

"Love is what we hunger for, the appetite is strong."

& Now that summer's gone & all we're left with are hte memories... Are you still going to love me? Are you still going to love me like you did on those hot July nights... Under the stars holding me tight... Please tell me... Please... I'll do anything... Just stay.

"I"m like a happy dog who's been alone too long."

I dare you to forget those marks you left on my neck from those ngihts when we were both found at our best.

"We believe in love. we believe in little things like heaven up above & seven it's a lucky number."

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I woudl have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

"He don't comb his hair like he did before. He don't wear those dirty black boots no more."

I'm just a stupid fuck with brilliant luck & soemtimes a bright idea. So shower me with a chorus of compliments & verse I don't deserve. I might run but I"ll never hide.

If I had a dollar bill for every time I've been wrong
I'd be a self-made millionaire, and you'd still be gone

can't you see the wall you built for me
can't you see the wall you built for me

i'm leaving town tonight
and i want to hear something from you,
anything from you

What will it take to make you understand that I
I'm not lying when I say I need you
What will it take to make you understand that I
I'm not lying when I say I need you

I wish I had the nerve to tell you that I'm a wreck
But what really did you expect?
You never listened to what I said to you

Like the way that your eyes
Travel to the floor when you tell a lie...
Your eyes disguise, your ways and severed ties
Like right now

Every time you go to sleep at night
I wonder what you hide behind closed eyes
What else could you be keeping from me?

And every time I think of him it makes me sick
And I don't wanna know just what happened then
In the van right in front of my house
That's where you sold me out
You didn't have a clue

So hold me close but don't get too comfortable
'cause this might be the last time you hear my voice

i'm sorry for every apology
but you'll never know how much you mean to me

i miss the way you make me feel so cold and alone

Whatever happened to us, dear? Just come now, & follow me into the night, we'lll take a stroll, & we'll kiss tenderly. Oh, no, this isn't love, it's good-bye.

"She draws your eyes from all the things that have made you numb & makes you feel."-

Embers, we're burning bridges down. Envelopes stuffed with feelings found. To write this down as means to reconcicle.

"You'll say, 'Wake now, Prince. There's a brilliant sky above & a jealous moon in love & htey're starved for our attention.'"-

Paint me beautiful. A scene so memorable. It's etched across my heart.

"& I'm sure that I don't understand how I found a love so pure."-

This basement's a coffin. I'm buried alive. I'll die in here just to be safe. I'll die in here just to be safe. Cause you're gone. I get nothing & you're off with barely a sigh. I never said "good-bye."

"Have faith that when you call my name I'll be there."-

With a jaw made of glass & a mouth full of blood. Break it baby & call it love.

"I miss the way you sing low, so I can't hear your voice over the radio in my car, but you knew every word they sang."-

They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone.

"Who just threw your heart away this time? & When you're crying on your bed does he help keep you alive?"-

As for me, the song is halfway over & I am at the edge of the dance floor, like a stone at the edge of the sea, waiting for my rough edges to be smoothed into something wroth touching, & I tell myslef that one day someoen will come for me & until then. I'll wait.

"The distance rips us farther & farther & farther away."-

I've got a big, fat, fucking bone to pick with you, my darling. In case you haven't heard I'm sick & tired of trying. I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you, plugged in & ready to fall.

"It's a glorious day & my lonely heart is tired again. & I am starved for her attention."

& This sunny city life is held in empty hands, the Pacific is looking so wonderful tonight, with a cinderblock & a rope tied to my ankle, it's closer than this twelve pack of medicine impairing the thought to the life i'm living in.

"It was your 'hello' that kept me hanging on every world & your 'good-bye' that keeps me listening."

We live our lives inside the lines, but when love's involved the lines start to become blurred.

"You know I won't mind if you monopolize all of my time. I won't say a thing at all I won't say a word no."

I'd rather spend one minute holding you than the rest of my life knowing I never could.

"& I'll sing songs to help me stay up all night long cause I don't want to go to sleep & I'll sing songs & hope you're listening carefully & know exactly what I mean."

That guy didn't know you. Because if he did, he would have never walked away.

"You've got an extra special heart. A perfect light that shines through. & It seems the hardest part is shining back at you."

I pulled out that picture of you yesterday, the one you don't really like, I remembered everything about you, your favorite color, your favorite song, what you wanted to be when you get older, & the songs that reminds you of us. Then I realized, I was crying the whole time, & I accidentally ruined teh picture of you. I guess that's okay. Becaus eyou never likedi t anyways.

"& You know when it rains in this town I get washed away without a sound. So pin my wings down." -