Tree
===
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal.
I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years.
She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"
Leaf
===
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal.
I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay
Wind
====
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left.
Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away
It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree
I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.
when we first started out
i had a really big issue
and alot of my loved ones
had a really big issue
with the fact that i was
totally in pain up there
& there was a time when i
tried to hurt myself off stage,
but I got over that.
like, you should never want
to hurt yourself
you should love yourself
& sometimes you have to kinda die inside
in order to rise from your own
ashes, and believe in yourself
love yourself and become a new person
& i think that that's going to be
a lot of what the next record
is about, not to plug it or anything
like, its going to talk about
dying, and coming back to
become what you totally want to become
we're all becoming what
we want to become.
Cover up with make up in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never
Gonna happen again
You cry alone and then
He swears he loves you.
I start to take my last breath
As blood pours out my mouth
The medics walk in my way
I think this could be it
I hear 'em start to state,
The time of death is half past six.
hushabye baby,
you're almost dead,
you don't have a pulse
and your pillow is red.
your family hates you
your friends let you bleed
sleep tight with a knife,
cause its all that you need.
(Love/repeat)
she felt the urge to scream.
but her cry got caught in her throat.
she wanted to cry, to show him
just how much he had hurt her.
but the tears wouldn't fall.
she needed to end this.
but the words couldn't come out.
she just wasn't strong enough.
she wasn't ready to let him go.
"It's not that we're scared. It's just that it's delicate."
For so long I have felt alone,
content to live with unrest,
longing faded into countless nights
that buried my weary heart,
but you brought an end
to this dead hour
and meaning to a calloused life
get out of the city if it hurts.
you're too blind, move it over.
and try to get closer to the lifestyles of gluttons.
seem so seamless and perfect.
i've been the secret that you've been keeping.
the Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
i broke something, Old Man.
how badly is it broken?
it's in a million little pieces.
i'm afraid I can't help you.
why?
there's nothing you can do.
why?
it can't be fixed.
why?
it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces.
lets dissappear, jet outta here
feel the wind across our face
have some fun, dance on the run
it's a perfect day to break away
doesnt matter what we do
as long as im with you.
cause i just have to tell you,
i'm not so sure what i would do without you.
i know it's cold outside, but this late night's just
no fun without you & i just wanted to say thanks,
you're the only reason i've smiled in days
you have to accept that people
are going to stay in your heart
even if they are out of your life
Even when the sun forgets to shine,
I'll be there to hold you through the night.
& Even when we're miles and miles apart,
You're the only one who holds my heart.
you're the star
and it's the scene where
you let down everyone who cares.
As writers, as artists, as workers, as humans,
we all desire feedback.
We do our work, share it with the world,
and look at our audience expectantly.
The greatest infliction is to do absolutely nothing
- to give no feedback at all.
To say nothing in return is one of the worst things you can do to another person's worth as an accomplisher.
Sometimes i think of things to say to you
& then i see your face and i completely forget
you make me so unbelieveably happy & i just dont know what to say.
so its not going to be easy
its going to be really hard
we are going have to work
at this everyday but i want to
because i want you
i want all of you forever
you and me everyday
imagine holding your hand,
& in holding it, feeling like every mystery
in my life has been answered.
on the outside, you know you're not that
same naive kid anymore. you've been
through too much lately. but deep down,
at your core, there will always be a part
of you that rejects reality, that is eternally
hopeful.
Tennessee Williams once wrote,
"We all live in a house on fire,
no fire department to call;
no way out,
just the upstairs window to look out of
while the fire burns the house down
with us trapped, locked in it."
things are getting to me. just how people are.
how they always expect you to be a certain way.
even your best friend.
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together
And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines,
I saw a warning sign
And then you feel me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all
Spin faster shouting out loud
You can't steal what's paid for
Such something hurting again
Murder son she's painful
You so believe your own lies
On my skin your fingers
Runaway until the last time
We're gonna lose forever
When you try – don't try to say you won't
Try to crawl into my head
When you cry – cause it's all built up inside
Your tears already said – already said
If you dont like me theres
nothing i can do but heres a news
flash hunny i dont live to please you!
We watch the sky from under the trees;
Confusing stars for satellites.
I never dreamed that you'd be mine,
But you are and we're here tonight
maybe i'm hurting, sick, and stoned.
crawling on the floor, broken, and alone.
maybe i'm pathetic, but this is what i do.
maybe i'm stupid, but at least i'm not you.
